Eulogies for the Living: A New Way to Honor the Living Before the Casket Arrives
Pam Vetter
November 06, 2009
"Eulogies for the Living is just as it sounds," Bill explained. "Instead of standing around at a wake or a casket telling stories about someone who has just died, Eulogies for the Living records all those stories while someone is alive. That person doesn't have to be old or dying. It's a gift idea that can be used for any occasion that one would give a gift for. It would be wonderful for a birthday, anniversary or holiday gift."
Bill started Eulogies for the Living for a personal reason.
"Back in the late 80s, my brother-in-law Ernest, who grew up in the same town as I did, was dying of cancer. A person who we both knew asked me how he was doing. After giving my update, he proceeded to tell me a really nice story about Ernest that illustrated his character. It hit me that there were probably many more people who also had great stories about Ernest. So I made up a list of about 20 people, contacted and recorded them sharing other moving, funny, and insightful stories about Ernest. I packaged the recordings, (back then on audio tape, today on CDs) in an album and gave it to him. Ernest said that it was the nicest thing anyone had ever done for him. It was a very emotional thing for him. Ernest did die, but I believe it helped him find some closure. It also helped the people who did the sharing find closure with his death."
Since 1986, Bill has been recording stories and he seen lives change. "When I first started doing these recordings I thought the main benefactor is the person who the tape is about. Now I know it's equal between the person receiving and the people sharing," Bill noted. "Many times I've had people tear up while sharing and thank me for giving them the opportunity to tell their stories about their loved one. It gives people the opportunity to just say something nice. We walk around with these nice thoughts in our heads and hearts all the time, and rarely do we find an occasion and the opportunity to just come out and say them to the people who matter most to us. In a nutshell, it's telling people, 'I love you and this is how you have touched my life.' We're all so busy with our lives, we don't create the time to do that. That's why there's a need for something like this."
Similar to preparing a eulogy for the dead, Bill reaches far and wide for stories about the living person who is being remembered.
"I do audio recording and it's all done over the phone, because people are scattered over the country, if not the world. Also the telephone is a technology that everyone is comfortable with and usually they are comfortably in their homes when we are recording. I am given a list of names from the person who hires me, usually a family member or friend. I contact everyone and explain what I do and offer a little coaching advice and maybe make some suggestions on areas that they might want to comment or talk about. I always tell people that there is no wrong way to do this, just speak from the heart and it will be fine."
While there are no steadfast rules in eulogies for the dead and they may surprise an audience because they're not glowing enough, Bill has one rule to guide him in interviews.
"My one rule: It has to be positive. If you can't say something nice about the person, you were a wrong choice for this project. I don't do any editing, it's as raw and pure as you get. While people are sharing, I am in my office recording them with my end muted, listening. In the beginning I used to judge, somewhat, the quality of the sharing. Stuff like she didn't really share much of her feelings and I think she'll be the weak link of this CD. Every time I would think that, I would later get feed back from my client that that person was one of the best. I no longer judge what is being said. For one person to say something like, 'Well you've been a good friend and I appreciate the times you've been there for me,' could be a monumental thing that they've never said before and the person receiving the recording knows that and I don't."
With this unique line of work, there are those moments that have taken his breath away. "One time I had trouble getting in touch with one of the people who was to share. Just before I gave up on him, he called me from the intensive care unit at a hospital, he was there for major heart surgery. He had gotten my messages and wanted to make sure he was on the recording. It was for his father's birthday gift. He shared and I thought he would be the weak link and, of course, the family told me later how great his recording was. Shortly after this project was completed the son died and the tape with his sharing about his father became priceless. I was asked to make up 10 more copies so that they could be given to his family and close friends. Having his voice sharing from the heart was something that only existed with that recording."
"Unfortunately the most common thing I hear when I tell someone what Eulogies for the Living is about regret. 'Oh I wish I had my mother, father, grandparents, etc… voice or stories about them.' When they're gone, it's final! Most people have pictures of the people in their life, very few have the voice. The voice stays fairly constant throughout a life, pictures of a person vary wildly. The voice tells us more about the personality then anything else does. Sharing stories and everything in life is what human beings have always done. Sitting around the fire, the table, the porch, lying in bed. Sharing via audio is the most natural way for humans to communicate."
Similar to phone calls to the living about the dead, phone calls don't have to be long to hear something poignant. "The average length of time each person shares is about 2 minutes. The longest one was about 15-20 minutes. Most people can say 'this is how you have touched my life and I love you,' in a two-minute range. I don't put any limits on how long or short people can talk, it just works out to be around two minutes. On my web page, Eulogies for the Living, I have samples of old recordings I've done and you can hear the flavor of what the stories are like. My sound quality is much better today as technology has advanced. It's in telling these little stories about someone that the, 'this is how you have touched my life and I love you,' comes out."
Bill is grateful for each life he touches. "The feedback for Eulogies for the Living has been great. It creates one of those few times when it's possible to let down the walls we put up and share important, intimate things in our life. For me, it feels very spiritual. I'm listening to people's spirits, not what they portray to the world. It's very special. I feel incredibly blessed to be part of the process. It sets up a win-win situation. A person gets maybe the best gift of their life, while others get to tell a loved one how important they are, and I get to be in the middle, doing this work."
The National Day of Listening is November 27, 2009, and listening is a huge part of Bill's work.
"Listening to the words and stories shared about a person is incredible and everyone loves to receive Eulogies for the Living. The CD shines a spotlight on their life and says how wonderful they are. One woman I did, Nancy, is a midwife. Midwives are usually adored by their clients. They are celebrities in their small world. The people who really know us are our friends and family. So for clients to speak well of them is a given. The woman who hired me was Nancy's friend and she decided that she didn't want any of Nancy clients on the CD, only family and friends. These are the people who know Nancy when she wakes up in the morning, when she's having a bad day. They know her warts and all. What these people think of her is real, the clients are fleeting illusions. When this woman, who is adored by hundreds, received her album she went into a closet and listened to it. She was embarrassed to hear loved ones saying such nice things about her. She felt like she didn't deserve it."
Bill reminds everyone, "Life is short! One doesn't have to hire Eulogies for the Living, to do this, though I'm very happy when someone does," he said with a smile. "The important thing is to take a little time and create an opportunity to tell the important people in your life, in your own way and voice, 'this is how you've touched my life and I love you.'"
Another part of his work is creating Oral Portraits. "I use audio and a format of about 250 questions to capture a person's life story. History and memory are very fluid. Some of the stories I tell today are different than what I told twenty years ago. That's because I have had more life experiences and my perception on things sometimes changes. I see things in a new light. And, of course, everyone else has their our own versions of what happened in the past. What I'm looking for is the personality. I want it so that in the future, a distant relative can listen to the recording and make a connection based upon the voice. Both eulogies and oral portraits skyrocket in value as soon as someone dies. Everyone thanks me when my recording is done and I've gotten many calls really thanking me after someone has died."
For more information on Eulogies for the Living and Oral Portraits by Bill Hak visit Eulogies for the Living or call (805) 646-1977.
Bill Hak is also a member of the Association of Personal Historians.
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