A Mid-Life Renewal Challenge Who Comes First Others or Me? by Roy Richards

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From time to time, each one of us is confronted by conflicting emotions of enjoying life to the fullest and of contributing time and money in service to others. Must we experience an emotional tug-of-war between healthy pursuit of self-interest and selfless dedication to those who share our world? Must we choose one or the other? Can't we have both?

Roy Richards, noted expert on middle-age renewal and author of the book A Mid-Life Challenge Wake Up!, contends that anyone authentically renewed in mind and spirit need not suffer from such internal conflict. As an essential component of mid-life make-over, Richards recommends adoption of a self-pleasing service mentality. By definition, this mindset permits a caring individual to satisfy personal aspirations (I am first) while at the same time dedicating energy and resources to the Devine Presence and to the common good (I am third.) The author is so confident of success through this dual objective that he offers the following promise: As a confident, well-rounded woman or man, you will consistently anticipate a favorable personal outcome but also will be more than willing to sacrifice self-interest in service to those around you.

Sustainable mid-life transformation does not occur in a self-absorbed vacuum:

No one can positively transform life simply by affirming and servicing personal needs while ignoring the aspirations and well-being of everyone else.

By their very nature, those who accomplish genuine success in life become attuned to the needs of others. Without conscious effort, they soon begin to adopt a win/win mentality.

The author asks, How in the world will it subtract from your personal satisfaction if those around you also are joyful and prosperous? Is there any reason why you cannot experience life to the fullest while at the same time encouraging others to do the same?

He continues, Once we regain our sense of purpose, we naturally want family, friends and anyone else within our spheres of influence to share in our adventure. Because we now feel great, we have a burning desire to spread our message of hope to those around us--I guarantee this! No matter how hectic our revitalized lifestyles become, we will find the time and energy to serve and counsel others. Without question, we will have energy to burn!

Richards foresees no ethical contradiction in a positive, purposeful exercise of daily living; we accomplish favorable life balance only when we are able to combine genuine appreciation of self with unselfish service to others:

In order to respect and serve others, we first must feel good about ourselves. If I don't respect me, I most likely will carry a chip on my shoulders the size of Texas. I will refuse to let anyone tell me what to do or how to live my life. I will resent others who appear to prosper while I cannot.

Once we do feel positive about ourselves, we will begin to care deeply about those around us. By our very nature, we will desire to spread positive emotions to others.

We will not sustain a positive mental outlook without personal sacrifice. Whatever our good fortune, our temporary euphoria will not last long unless we move beyond self-interest and begin to dedicate positive energy in service to others.

We can never sublimate completely our desire for personal recognition and should not try. As part of the renewal process, we affirm self-worth and cultivate our innate ability to contribute. As we move forward in service, it is only natural that we crave acknowledgement from others.

Once renewed in mind and spirit, you can sustain life balance through a concept the author labels enjoyable servant hood. This concept combines service to God and others with a deep and abiding appreciation and enjoyment of self. Every person on earth has his or her own unique blend of talents and preferences. The secret to combining personal satisfaction with exceptional service is to volunteer only for activities which you thoroughly enjoy and are

uniquely qualified to perform. By so doing, you will tap into your very own talent bank to serve others, precisely your own way!

If you enjoy cooking, offer to prepare meals at your church or a local homeless shelter. If you relish business planning and execution, offer to counsel disadvantaged or minority entrepreneurs seeking to start or grow their own businesses. If bass fishing is your passion, take underprivileged children along with you to the lake.

In contrast, steer clear of any volunteer assignment you would struggle to accomplish. You need not feel guilty turning down any project where you cannot add significant value. If you hate number crunching, do not volunteer to serve on your church's finance committee. If you fear public speaking, do not commit to serve as Master of Ceremonies at the annual club

benefit. Should you have two left thumbs (which you routinely hit with a hammer whenever you attempt to drive a nail) do not sign up to help rebuild a home with Habitat for Humanity.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with seeking self-fulfillment at the same time you serve others. In Matthew 22:39, Jesus tells his followers to "love your neighbor as yourself." We must not neglect to love self. This does not mean that we should consider ourselves superior or more deserving than our neighbors. It does mean that we can take pride in our own unique blend of talent and intellect and relish displaying it in service to God and others.

It is more than OK to accept recognition for dedicated service to the common good. There is no reason to shun well-deserved public acknowledgement if it makes you feel special. In your own small way, you have helped to change the world! On the other hand, no one should attempt to hog the spotlight. Most of us feel especially proud when we accomplish something important as part a team. Without exception, the world's most successful business, government and athletic team leaders publicly acknowledge fellow participants who contributed to success.

You may recall from high school science class your teacher's demonstration that liquids settle to a common level. The teacher displayed two clear plastic tanks with a connecting tube. When he or she filled the left tank, liquid flowed from left to right until liquids in both tanks reached precisely the same level.

Similar to liquid in connected tanks, levels of joy and contentment between spouses and life partners, in family circles and in small groups at work or play flow from person to person and settle at a common level. Unfortunately, so also do negative emotions. Unlike the high school science experiment, we can never correct the problem of mutual malcontent by

adding satisfaction to one party alone. To the contrary, the ideal solution is for one or more highly motivated encouragers to spread positive thoughts and emotions throughout an entire group. Richards urges positive, self-motivated men and women to step forward to perform the cherished role of encourager at home, at work, within volunteer organizations and in social encounters.

Richards continues, Once you and I bring our lives into positive emotional balance, we still must confront the perplexing issue of personal resource allocation. It may appear that there simply are not be enough hours in the day to earn a living, pursue our hobbies, refresh mind and spirit, exercise the body and dedicate time and energy to family, friends, church, mosque or synagogue and community. Financially, each one of us needs to balance charitable giving with personal and family consumption, investment and savings.

As a practical guide to personal resource allocation, Richards recommends adoption of the worthwhile motto: "Enjoy and employ." The first word reminds us to enjoy what we have. Once we achieve some degree of financial security, there is no harm in kicking back and enjoying life. Do not postpone appreciation of life¡¦s pleasures until tomorrow; tomorrow may never arrive! There is nothing wrong with material possessions so long as we utilize them judiciously, are genuinely thankful, in no way harm others and always keep the their value in proper perspective.

The second part of the motto reminds us to employ a portion of personal resources (money, time, energy and talents) in service to others. There is nothing more foolish than undermining mid-life renewal through selfish hoarding! A self-absorbed, covetous individual

inevitably ends up both miserable and unfulfilled. All of us learn from personal experience that the psychic reward from sharing with others is infinitely greater than positive emotions from a world full of possessions!

Misguided individuals cherish possessions and use people. In contrast, genuinely fulfilled women and men cherish people and use possessions. Richards concludes by offering this final advice: Search your conscience, pray for guidance, consult with friends and loved ones then allocate resources in the precise manner which your conscience tells you is right. Contribute time, energy, talent and financial resources to worthy causes because personal sacrifice brings you joy and inspiration--not because you feel you must.

He continues, You do not need to hit a home run every time. Each one of us should be on constant lookout for small opportunities to serve. Pay a sincere complement to a friend; offer encouragement to a child; share warm greetings with a stranger; help an elderly acquaintance fill out a confusing Medicare form. Over time, it will become your second nature to tune in to the small, immediate needs of those around you. You and I earn our living receiving compensation from others but we make our lives count by giving ourselves away.

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