When Should You Give a Cheater a Second Chance?
Ruth Houston
March 21, 2008
What do Silda Spitzer, Michelle Paterson, Dina McGreevey, Carlita Kilpatrick, and Wendy Vitter, Hillary Clinton, Christie Brinkley, Kate Moss, Terry McMillan, Sienna Miller, Halle Berry, Kim Porter, Jerri Hall (and probably your next door neighbor, as well) have in common?
All of these women were faced with the question of whether or not to give a cheating spouse or significant other a second chance.
Under what circumstances should a betrayed wife or girlfriend take back a cheating mate? Below are some factors to consider before you decide
What to Consider Before You Decide
Infidelity doesn´t automatically mean the end of a marriage or relationship. Sometimes the situation can be salvaged and you can get the relationship back on track. But not every marriage or relationship can or should be saved. What about yours? There´s no way to know for sure without first having one or more conversations with the cheater about the cheating. To make an intelligent decision about how to handle the situation, you find out the circumstances of the infidelity, and the cheater´s attitude about the affair. There are other factors to be considered, as well.
When to Take a Cheater Back
If the cheater is truly sorry, has severed all ties with the Other Woman or the Other Man, and is willing to do the hard work involved in rebuilding broken trust, then you might want to consider giving them a second chance, if the infidelity occurred under one of the circumstances below:
Under the influence of drugs or alcohol
While going through a midlife crisis
As a misguided response to a life crisis such as the death of a loved one or the loss of a job
In cases of sexual addiction, where the cheater is seeking, or willing to seek medical or professional help
Under the above circumstances, you may want to give your cheating spouse or significant other a second chance. But don´t hand over forgiveness on a silver platter. It should be something the cheater has to earn. Otherwise, you´re setting the stage for the cheater to cheat again. The cheater needs to be fully accountable to you for as long as it takes to rebuild the broken trust. It could take up to 2 years. It´s not a quick fix. Certain checks and balances should be put in place.
When NOT to Take a Cheater Back
It´s not advisable to take a cheater back if he or she:
Refuses to sever ties with the Other Woman or the Other Man
Continues to lie about any aspect of the affair
Is a habitual or serial cheater who has had one or more affairs in the past
Feels no guilt or remorse for having hurt his/her partner;
Wants to sweep the affair under the rug and proceed as if nothing has happened
Feels he or she has a right to cheat or have an extramarital affair
Does not feel that the cheating was wrong
Is a sex addict who refuses to seek help
Taking a cheater back who displays any of the attitudes above means you´re only setting yourself up for future heartbreak and humiliation.
The Biggest Obstacles to Taking a Cheater Back
The 2 biggest obstacles to taking a cheating spouse or significant other back are
the fear that the affair is still going on behind your back.
the fear that the cheater will cheat again.
These are valid fears, considering the fact that the affair was probably going on for a period of time before you discovered it; and like most infidelity victims, you were probably the last to know. It´s natural for you to be concerned that it could happen again and you wouldn´t know.
How to Overcome These 2 Fears
The best way to overcome these fears if you decide to take the cheater back, is to become thoroughly familiar with the signs of infidelity. Not just the obvious signs, but the many subtle signs that people usually overlook. Because so many of the signs of infidelity are subtle, knowing what to look for is the key.
Is He Cheating on You? – 829 Telltale Signs (Lifestyle Publications, $29.95), covers practically every known sign of infidelity, including the subtle signs most infidelity victims usually overlook. Despite the title, most of the signs apply to cheating woman as well as cheating men. The signs are conveniently grouped into 21 major categories, so you can easily find the signs that apply to your mate. Is He Cheating on You? is available as a soft cover book ($29.95) from www.InfidelityAdvice.com or as a downloadable e-book ($37) from Booklocker.com
The e-book version, available from http://www.booklocker.com/books/1755.html comes with a bonus section that will be especially helpful to you if you´re trying to reconcile with a cheating mate. In addition to several other special reports, it also contains the following affair recovery information:
What the Two of You Must Do to Survive Your Husband´s Affair
Advice for the Husband Who Cheated
Advice for the Betrayed Wife
Can Your Marriage Survive His Affair? - Questionnaire
Will He Cheat Again? - Questionnaire
For more information about either version of Is He Cheating on You? – 829 Telltale Signs, visit www. InfidelityAdvice.com
NOTE: The affair recovery reports are part of the BONUS SECTION included with the downloadable e-book version of Is He Cheating on You– 829 Telltale Signs? These special reports are NOT included with the soft cover edition of Is He Cheating on You? – 829 Telltale Signs.
FREE Infidelity Reports to Help Anyone with a Cheating Spouse
The 2 free reports below can also be helpful if you´re trying to reconcile with a cheating mate.
*** Is He Cheating? Is She Cheating? – 21 Ways You Can Tell
E-mail InfidelityAdvice@gmail.com with Cheating 21-ac in the subject line.
*** 14 Things Everyone Should Know about Signs of Infidelity
E-mail InfidelityAdvice@gmail.com with 14 Things-ac in the subject line.
For more information about signs of infidelity, cheating spouses, or extramarital affairs, visit www.InfidelityAdvice.com or http://infidelitynewsandviews.blogspot.com
About Ruth Houston:
Infidelity expert Ruth Houston, is the founder of InfidelityAdvice.com and the author of Is He Cheating on You? - 829 Telltale Signs, which documents practically every known sign of infidelity.
Frequently called on by the media to comment on infidelity issues in the news, Ruth has been quoted in USA Today, the New York Times, the Wall Street Journal, the Los Angeles Times, the New York Daily News, Cosmopolitan, msnbc.com, FoxNews.com, Maclean´s and numerous other print and online publications worldwide. Ruth has also been a guest on The Today Show, CNN, Fox News, ABC News, NBC News, WCBS News, Fox and Friends, The Morning Show, 1010WINS, Court TV Radio, BBC, CBC, and over 440 radio and TV talk shows worldwide.
To interview infidelity expert Ruth Houston, call 718 592-6039 or e-mail InfidelityExpert@gmail.com
All of these women were faced with the question of whether or not to give a cheating spouse or significant other a second chance.
Under what circumstances should a betrayed wife or girlfriend take back a cheating mate? Below are some factors to consider before you decide
What to Consider Before You Decide
Infidelity doesn´t automatically mean the end of a marriage or relationship. Sometimes the situation can be salvaged and you can get the relationship back on track. But not every marriage or relationship can or should be saved. What about yours? There´s no way to know for sure without first having one or more conversations with the cheater about the cheating. To make an intelligent decision about how to handle the situation, you find out the circumstances of the infidelity, and the cheater´s attitude about the affair. There are other factors to be considered, as well.
When to Take a Cheater Back
If the cheater is truly sorry, has severed all ties with the Other Woman or the Other Man, and is willing to do the hard work involved in rebuilding broken trust, then you might want to consider giving them a second chance, if the infidelity occurred under one of the circumstances below:
Under the influence of drugs or alcohol
While going through a midlife crisis
As a misguided response to a life crisis such as the death of a loved one or the loss of a job
In cases of sexual addiction, where the cheater is seeking, or willing to seek medical or professional help
Under the above circumstances, you may want to give your cheating spouse or significant other a second chance. But don´t hand over forgiveness on a silver platter. It should be something the cheater has to earn. Otherwise, you´re setting the stage for the cheater to cheat again. The cheater needs to be fully accountable to you for as long as it takes to rebuild the broken trust. It could take up to 2 years. It´s not a quick fix. Certain checks and balances should be put in place.
When NOT to Take a Cheater Back
It´s not advisable to take a cheater back if he or she:
Refuses to sever ties with the Other Woman or the Other Man
Continues to lie about any aspect of the affair
Is a habitual or serial cheater who has had one or more affairs in the past
Feels no guilt or remorse for having hurt his/her partner;
Wants to sweep the affair under the rug and proceed as if nothing has happened
Feels he or she has a right to cheat or have an extramarital affair
Does not feel that the cheating was wrong
Is a sex addict who refuses to seek help
Taking a cheater back who displays any of the attitudes above means you´re only setting yourself up for future heartbreak and humiliation.
The Biggest Obstacles to Taking a Cheater Back
The 2 biggest obstacles to taking a cheating spouse or significant other back are
the fear that the affair is still going on behind your back.
the fear that the cheater will cheat again.
These are valid fears, considering the fact that the affair was probably going on for a period of time before you discovered it; and like most infidelity victims, you were probably the last to know. It´s natural for you to be concerned that it could happen again and you wouldn´t know.
How to Overcome These 2 Fears
The best way to overcome these fears if you decide to take the cheater back, is to become thoroughly familiar with the signs of infidelity. Not just the obvious signs, but the many subtle signs that people usually overlook. Because so many of the signs of infidelity are subtle, knowing what to look for is the key.
Is He Cheating on You? – 829 Telltale Signs (Lifestyle Publications, $29.95), covers practically every known sign of infidelity, including the subtle signs most infidelity victims usually overlook. Despite the title, most of the signs apply to cheating woman as well as cheating men. The signs are conveniently grouped into 21 major categories, so you can easily find the signs that apply to your mate. Is He Cheating on You? is available as a soft cover book ($29.95) from www.InfidelityAdvice.com or as a downloadable e-book ($37) from Booklocker.com
The e-book version, available from http://www.booklocker.com/books/1755.html comes with a bonus section that will be especially helpful to you if you´re trying to reconcile with a cheating mate. In addition to several other special reports, it also contains the following affair recovery information:
What the Two of You Must Do to Survive Your Husband´s Affair
Advice for the Husband Who Cheated
Advice for the Betrayed Wife
Can Your Marriage Survive His Affair? - Questionnaire
Will He Cheat Again? - Questionnaire
For more information about either version of Is He Cheating on You? – 829 Telltale Signs, visit www. InfidelityAdvice.com
NOTE: The affair recovery reports are part of the BONUS SECTION included with the downloadable e-book version of Is He Cheating on You– 829 Telltale Signs? These special reports are NOT included with the soft cover edition of Is He Cheating on You? – 829 Telltale Signs.
FREE Infidelity Reports to Help Anyone with a Cheating Spouse
The 2 free reports below can also be helpful if you´re trying to reconcile with a cheating mate.
*** Is He Cheating? Is She Cheating? – 21 Ways You Can Tell
E-mail InfidelityAdvice@gmail.com with Cheating 21-ac in the subject line.
*** 14 Things Everyone Should Know about Signs of Infidelity
E-mail InfidelityAdvice@gmail.com with 14 Things-ac in the subject line.
For more information about signs of infidelity, cheating spouses, or extramarital affairs, visit www.InfidelityAdvice.com or http://infidelitynewsandviews.blogspot.com
About Ruth Houston:
Infidelity expert Ruth Houston, is the founder of InfidelityAdvice.com and the author of Is He Cheating on You? - 829 Telltale Signs, which documents practically every known sign of infidelity.
Frequently called on by the media to comment on infidelity issues in the news, Ruth has been quoted in USA Today, the New York Times, the Wall Street Journal, the Los Angeles Times, the New York Daily News, Cosmopolitan, msnbc.com, FoxNews.com, Maclean´s and numerous other print and online publications worldwide. Ruth has also been a guest on The Today Show, CNN, Fox News, ABC News, NBC News, WCBS News, Fox and Friends, The Morning Show, 1010WINS, Court TV Radio, BBC, CBC, and over 440 radio and TV talk shows worldwide.
To interview infidelity expert Ruth Houston, call 718 592-6039 or e-mail InfidelityExpert@gmail.com
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