If You Can't Read Them ..Join Them ; Celebs Get a Novel Idea

By Jackie Bird

NOT content with having pride of place on Peter Andre's dartboard, Jordan has upset the literary world too.

To be fair it's not just Jordan. Martine McCutcheon and Coleen Nolan are among the stars also in the bad books - literally.

They're some of the celebs who've either brought out, or are writing, novels. This trend is probably because the average showbiz career runs to just one autobiography - but the number of star- studded novels is infinite.

Truth, it seems, is not so lucrative as fiction - but this has not gone down well with everyone and the celebrities have been accused of using their fame to sell books by the bucket-load, while real writers struggle to shift a couple of copies in theAsda sale.

The star scribblers also get it in the neck because critics say their books are not only awful but thinly disguised versions of their own lives. They certainly are similar...

Jordan's Crystal is an ambitious wannabe who strives to be a singer while Martine McCutcheon's heroine has big brown eyes and "ebony hair that fell to her shoulders in shiny waves".

Loose Women's Coleen Nolan is writing about a TV presenter's relationship with other women TV presenters in the show they all share.

Fern Britton's epic is about a journalist who works in telly and Penny Smith's two novels feature a presenter on breakfast TV.

The fact these celebs are cashing in on their fame earning shedloads of money writing rags-to-riches rubbish has left me with no other option... Jacquelina grew up in the slums of Lanarkshiretown, but she had a dream - that one day, she'd read out loudfor living. As a breathtakingly beautiful child, she'd spend hours practicing in front of the mirror. She wouldn't stop until she could pronounce all the words that would ensure her success as the best reader-out-loud in Scotlandland.

Eventually the stunningly attractive young woman could master them all... Milngavie; clostridium difficile, even Abdel Basset al- Megrahi. Life would have been perfect for the strikingly gorgeous woman with the slightly prominent nose that you reallydidn't notice except in a bad light - but for the man she loved, but could not have - TC.

At the glamorous TV station where they both worked they called him Tam - Tam Cowman. Tam had a well-rounded intellect and a firm butt - or was it the other way round? He adored Jacquelina. He called her, "The sunshine of his life...very bright, but hardto look at". He was always making little jokes like that.

But they were destined to be forever separated by a greater force. It was a pledge young Tam made as he grew up in war-torn Motherwellshire - that he would never give his heart to another until his beloved football team triumphed in the SPL.

With heavy heart, Jacquelina knew they would never be together.

What do you think? I'd say a place on the Christmas bestseller list is guaranteed.

who..

Anyone show is Hogmanay - listen feels the BBC's and shortbread Phil Cunningham a bit tartan He's director this year.

up. Music and at may just have a surprise Nutini, with Paolo sitting himself been working with his rooms T in the Park Phil found "I the dressing and Lady GaGa.

outside accordion her if she'd like to be a guest trusty said show," asked on the Hogmanay Phil. And the spectacular diva's reaction? "Well, she didn't say no..."

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